Mission Statement

I've been working the past few days on an employee handbook for our company. (No, we don't have any traditional employees yet, but I like to be prepared. Once you hire a person incorrectly, it is really hard to go back and do it over. Trust me, I know.)

Anyhow, my fabulous attorney (well, one of them) sent me this workbook to fill out so we have a clear, concise and legally binding document instead of the back-of-the-napkin version I was working on. ("Um, come to work on time, do what you are supposed to do and don't sass off" was pretty much the entire thing. I know, brilliant!) Forty pages of questions later, I'm convinced there isn't a single question an employee could ask me that wouldn't be answered in this document, from what time they should arrive to how to chew their sandwich at lunch. ("Quietly, but with purpose.")

However, one particular piece of the questionnaire is tripping me up. The mission statement. The good attorney feels that no employee handbook is complete without one. I feel that they are a treacly, nonsensical waste of time that is usually created by committee so that it can be emblazoned on a wall somewhere prominent in a granite and steel-filled office. In other words, extraneous to our current situation. For example, here's a sampling of the aforementioned treacle, from the half-way decent to the half-witted:

1. Instead of a school's mission statement being that "We teach children," this is what you get - "Community School recognizes that each child is an individual; that all children are creative; that all children need to succeed. Therefore, Community School respects the individual needs of children; fosters a caring and creative environment; and emphasizes the social, emotional, physical, intellectual development of each child." I bet the tuition there is like $30,000 a year. And $20,000 of that goes to the marketing team that developed the mission statement.

2. Here's a truly awesome one for a WEBSITE THAT HELPS PEOPLE MOVE PAST THE GRIEF THEY FEEL UPON LOSING A PET. Understand that I could do an entire blog just on the ridiculous state of our country that we need a site like this, but they have a mission statement, and it is a doozy: "I'm on a one-woman campaign to stomp out guilt, the kind of guilt that clings like a leech to the coattails of our grief. It pains me to see good, loving people feeling guilty about uncontrollable circumstances surrounding the loss of their pet. Granted, there are circumstances where heinous acts deserve the roughest of guilt trips but for most people this isn't the case." I'm still stuck on how a leech clings to a coattail. Perhaps with a pushpin?

3. Here's a reasonable one. I just says what it says, with no vampiric organisms or feel-good yuppie-ness: "The Department of Human Resources partners with members of the University community to foster a work environment that attracts and inspires excellence in people so the University is successful in its mission." I understand. I get it. I still don't see why it is necessary, though.

4. And my favorite: "Our mission is simple: To offer education on the wise use of credit." Brilliant.

I guess that is why I'm having such a hard time with this. Even though I'm a writer in my spare time, I don't see that more verbosity is necessarily better when you are telling people what you do. Sure, it feels good to tell people their children are exceptional. (Note: most of them aren't. Otherwise, the word "exceptional" has lost all meaning. Deal with it. Your kid is probably - in the truest sense of probability - average. And that's okay. You probably are too.) And it is nice to put a leech on the coattails of grief. But what are you trying to do at the end of the day? What is the net net of your business? What is your basic business model? Do you hire people for a university? Do you counsel about credit? Do you help self-involved pet owners get over the grief of losing Fluffy to diabetes at the age of 20? Do you teach wealthy children to believe they are gifted? Tell people what your job is and let them get back to their lives. Or don't tell them at all. Just do it.

So, with that in mind, I believe that our mission at Legion Logistics is this: We move freight and make money.

Perfect! Now let's get back to moving freight and making money.