Rookie Mistake

Today at the gas station, I observed a tender, touching moment. The 55-year-old woman in front of us in line was obviously pumping gas for the first time in her entire life, and it was quite moving.

Okay, I'm being sarcastic. But seriously, lady, if you'd never done it before, you should have asked for help. An infant could pump gas faster than that. I could siphon the gas out of my own tank with my mouth and spit it in your car in less time than it took you to figure out how to turn the pump on.

I shouldn't have been irritated. It was a lovely afternoon, there was a good song on the radio and Tony and I had a productive and tasty working lunch and were driving home in a great mood. I was even having a good hair day!

But when we rolled in to the gas station, cars were lined up three deep behind each pump and we knew it was going to be a wait. And then Grandma Magoo got out of her car. She had been parked in the spot in front of the pump for a few minutes, so we thought she was done and just getting ready to leave. (Some people have this urge to re-organize the car every time the get in and out. I like to jump in, toss everything on the passenger seat and tear off into the sunset, especially if there are 15 cars lined up behind me.)

Anyhow, Mrs. Deliberate s-l-o-w-l-y got out of the car and then went fishing for something in the backseat. Then, she proceeded to juggle her pocketbook, some pens, a snack and her debit card for a while before beginning to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS on the pump. Really, lady, it is pretty simple. Insert card, pump the freaking gas, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY. But no, she had a fierce internal debate about whether or not she wanted to use her Kroger card, then had to dig it out of the aforementioned pocketbook. Then, she read all of the instruction screens like they contained the secret to a long and happy life. Then, she had another fierce internal debate about what grade of gas to pump. Most of us choose the same grade of fuel every time, but I assume there must be some people who pull up to the pump and think to themselves, "Well, I'm feeling pretty frisky today, so I think I'll splurge and go for mid-grade." or "I know times are tough, but when I read every page of the owner's manual for my Kia, it told me I should use hi-test, and I'm not one to color outside the lines, so hi-test it is."

After all of this angst, reading, shuffling of cards, juggling of personal belongings and FINALLY putting the hose in her car, the pump in front of her opened up and we roared past, middle fingers raised. Okay, we didn't really flip her off, but I wanted to. My main problem is that if you see people stacking up around you, you should perhaps put some mustard on it and make whatever transaction you are undertaking go a little faster. I feel the same way about people trying to re-finance their mortgage in the automatic teller lane or order complex McDonald's food for the 22 people at their house waiting on dinner while in the drive-thru. ("Okay, I want 15 cheeseburgers, one without pickles, one with half pickles, one with extra pickles, one with just a single pickle, one with the ketchup and mustard mixed together....") Some things are better done face-to-face, when no one expects to move quickly. And no matter how slowly you usually do things, something as simple as pumping gas should never, ever, take more than five minutes, and that's if you have to pay inside, pee, purchase road snacks and call mama in prison from the pay phone out front. Move it along, people!

And don't even get me started on the Taco Bell near my house where it takes 20 minutes to get a taco that doesn't even vaguely resemble the taco you ordered. That's a whole 'nother blog.