Slip'n'Slide for Jesus

Driving home from the grocery store the other day, I passed a giant church on the side of the road with a rather strange arrangement of plastic tarps and straw bales in the front yard. After passing it a few more times, Tony and I were able to ascertain that this was, in fact, a homemade, gargantuan slip'n'slide. Like most yards in Kentucky, the front yard of this church is a steep hill ending abruptly at the street (the other variations are steep hills ending in a body of water, and steep hills ending in ravines).

And this was no ordinary hill, either - this was a doozy. Fifty or 60 feet of precipitous drop and nothing to stop you from rolling out onto busy Route 42. In the construction of the enormous slip'n'slide, the church had solved this by placing three straw bales at the end of what looked like 45 straight feet of roof tarps or those really heavy duty painting drop cloths. Along the sides, the tarps were held down with more straw bales at regular intervals.

My first thought on seeing this monstrosity was, what on earth are those Baptists doing now? Speed baptism? Baptism by slide? As the minister says his words, you slide down a hill, scared out of your mind, but more receptive to the healing power of Jesus because you might just die at the end of this and you want to get right with God before that happens?

Maybe it was an outdoor church service and altar calls were now held at the bottom of the hill. You slide down to receive Jesus...and well, experience the same scenario. I wonder if "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!" really counts as a prayer. I'm not sure.

Finally, though, it became clear why there was a giant slip'n'slide when I saw the Vacation Bible School sign that was hastily erected in the front yard. At the end of the slide. So, obviously, as part of the VBS festivities, there would be some summer water-slide fun. I was immediately jealous because the most fun thing I ever did at VBS was make macaroni art that my mom deemed "wretched work created by a talentless hack" and threw in the trash. (Now you know why I'm a writer instead of a painter.)

I guess other VBS programs are picking up their game, too. In the past few weeks, I've seen the Tastee-Freeze truck outside many churches, as well as those fantastic blow-up jumpy moon bounce things in the shape of pirate ships and jungle trees. Nothing says bringing Jesus to the masses like a pirate ship!

However, I do appreciate how the baptist church was rocking it old-school. No fancy soft-serve, no expensive moon-bounce for them. Nope, just a poorly designed and slightly moist slide to your death.

I don't have any problem with water slides, per se, just the ones that seem destined to result in much maiming or death. Let's review the slide at the church for a moment to see the design flaws:

1. The slide is so long, the amount of speed you would pick up by the bottom would have to approach terminal velocity, which is unadvisable for most eight year olds, I would assume.

2. The amount of water necessary to prevent third-degree plastic burns from sliding down the aforementioned quarter-mile of plastic sheeting is either impossible or just plain environmentally irresponsible.

3. If, at any point on your trip down the slide of death, you veer off course, you will either shoot out into grass, adding long-lasting grass stains and the probability of horribly broken bones to your experience, OR you slam full-tilt into a straw bale, adding stabbing injuries and the probability of horribly broken bones to your experience.

4. At the end of the slide, assuming you make it that far, you arrive with all your exposed flesh in plastic-burn induced flames that are only fanned by the extreme speed you've acquired, you slam, full-tilt into a straw bale. See above for the results of that scenario, with two possible variations, face-first (meaning loss of vision, broken neck or nose, concussion, etc.) or feet-first (sprains, ACL tears, loss of feet, legs sheared off by the incredible force of the impact, etc.).

5. In the entirely likely scenario that you miss one of the end-of-slide straw bales or push it out of the way with your broken, mangled feet, you will launch directly into four lanes of traffic on Rt. 42, allowing you to be run over by any number of coal trucks, RV's, motorcycles or the Tastee-Freeze truck on its way to another, less deadly VBS.

In my mind, I see all of these options and the scene that will inevitably unfold when, on the last day of VBS, after having spent five long, hot days making macaroni art and memorizing bible verses, the children run outside, dewy-eyed and expectant, waiting for their first turn down the biggest homemade slip'n'slide in the world. The carnage will be incredible - tiny bodies writhing in pain, shooting blood from every orifice, cars swerving manically on the highway to avoid crushing children who have shot cannonball-like into the flow of traffic. The screams are terrible.

Someone should get those kids a Tastee-Freeze.