If you ain't got no money...

So I have $11 in my checking account.

I'm not sure how this happened.

Actually, I know exactly how this happened - the perfect storm of profligate spending followed by a long holiday weekend when I couldn't transfer money from my savings account into my checking account.

See, Tony and I are living off savings right now. Neither of us are working (although we are opening the doors of our new company next month, but more on that later) so we are relying on the money we socked away last year to get us through until someone pulls a paycheck around here.

The way it works is that I pay the bills, balance the checkbook and move as much money as we need from savings to checking as we need it, allowing us to earn the maximum return on our investments while still allowing our checks to clear.

At least that is how it is SUPPOSED to work. This week was a little different. I hadn't balanced the checkbook since before we went to Vegas and we'd spent a lot of money on stupid things, like pants and groceries and pet boarding. We were in Wal-mart on Friday night when our debit card was declined. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have your card declined for the purchase of $16 curtains? Not good.

The worst part was that it was Friday night. I couldn't move any money from the savings account to the checking account until the next business day. Which was today. Thank you, national holiday when all useful institutions are closed but Starbucks stays open to take your money! Four days - make that five days, because the transfer doesn't show up until the morning after you make it - to scramble around, trying to make ends meet.

Things started off okay. We had about $60 in cash left over from our grocery money, which was quickly blown on stupid things like food and the aforementioned curtains. Then, things got desperate. I used up all the sugar on Sunday making pancake syrup from scratch, thereby preventing Tony from making coffee at home. (I can drink black coffee, but it makes Tony's whole face collapse in a profound pucker.) In a bizarre Gifts of the Magi twist, it would have been better financially for me to send Tony to the store to buy pancake syrup than live without sugar for the rest of the weekend, but I digress.

Monday morning - Labor Day for all you who Labor, just another day of nothing for those of us who don't - we took our last $26 to Starbucks and purchased two coffees and two breakfast sandwiches for about five times as much as it would have cost at McD's. (Again, I can drink McD's coffee and eat McD's food without blinking, but Tony requires two showers and a jog after eating trans fats. He's much more dedicated to weight loss than I am. Or at least attached to his food having actual nutrients and stuff.)

The real challenge came when I was whacked with a Chipotle craving that evening. (Tip: Don't read books about food when you have no money and nothing in the fridge. Just bad all around.) We had $11 left, not quite enough for two of their fabulous burritos. So, out came the change jar and the plan. Chicken burritos only, no guac for me and chips and salsa only if we had enough to cover the burritos with plenty to spare. There was even a sub-plan for the chips and salsa. We wouldn't order them until the girl had totaled us up so we would know for sure we could afford them. Tony played this part off marvelously - he pretended he hadn't heard me reject the offer of chips and salsa and I pretended that I didn't know he'd even wanted them. We handed the poor cashier a fistful of singles and quarters and slunk out the door. Did I mention that Chipotle was busier than I'd ever seen them? And that I wasn't wearing any makeup? Humiliation all around.

This morning, Tony got really creative and a bit more frugal. He fished more quarters out of the jar and headed down the road to the UDF (that's a convenience store here in Cincy for my out-of-town readers). I had begged him for a Krispy Kreme before he left and by God, he delivered. Two piping-hot cups of joe and one freshly glazed Krispy Kreme for $3.29. What he didn't get was a fistful of sugar packets for tomorrow morning. Said everyone was staring at him like they knew he was going to steal condiments. I understand that feeling.

The final straw was tonight, though. Tuesday is supposed to be movie day in our house. Movies are only $6 all day at the Florence theater and it is always super-empty, so we can enjoy our movie in peace. I thought we were in the clear - some checks I'd mailed in to the bank had cleared and I'd requested a transfer from savings, so we drove to the ATM light-hearted, sure we'd ended our weekend of abject poverty and ready for the trappings of the middle class again. Popcorn all around!

No such luck. Three ATMs and one phone call to the bank later and we were informed that our account had exactly $11 in it. Oh. It is very hard to seem capable and cosmopolitan when the voice on the other end of the phone says you have less money in your account than your six-year-old cousin gets every week for his allowance.

So, back home again to get the entire change jar and cash it in. But by the time we'd extracted $26.87 from the jug, run it through the Coinstar (total ripoff that it is) and cashed in our little voucher, the movie had already started. Depressed, we ordered as much General Tso's chicken at $16 would get us and headed back home again.

The good news is, we have $9 for breakfast tomorrow. By my estimation, this should get us two coffees and three Krispy Kremes each, with plenty to spare! If the money hasn't shown up by noon, though, we are going to be reduced to eating saltines with peanut butter on them, which I'm pretty sure is unhealthy.