Potty Time, Excellent!

I'm a private potty person. I have a shy bladder, I always choose the stall furthest from other people when I'm out and about and for six months, I had my husband (then my boyfriend) convinced I didn't do number 2. (Which was much easier then because we dated long-distance and were only together on the weekends.) I find taking reading material to the bathroom with you utterly disgusting, as one should work with military precision and speed in these situations. If you have long enough to sit and read, you weren't ready to go in there. Tony, on the other hand, would do his business in the middle of the house if I let him, as long as he had a newspaper to read, text messages to send and an iPod to provide music. His potty experiences are multi-media. (Think about that the next time you get a text from him.)

But now, it seems like my private potty time has been invaded. Between Tony and the dogs, if I ever got to pee in peace, I'd fall over from shock. (Thereby peeing on myself as I lay on the floor, but it would totally be worth it.)

At the condo, I could understand. We had only one bathroom and it was the super-highway from the living room into the bedroom. I had to give up a little of my personal space in order to make life continue flowing in the house. However, I still locked the door every time I could, or Sarge would think the reason I was sitting down was to make it easier to hand him his toy so we could play fetch. I do not play fetch and potty at the same time, people.

Again, Tony did things differently. He would open the door on the bathroom so he could watch his news in the morning or evening while using the potty. EVEN IF I WAS ONLY THREE FEET AWAY, TRYING TO WORK ON MY COMPUTER. I do not design flyers and potty at the same time.

In the new house, however, things should be easier. We have five toilets. Four full baths and one powder room. We have toilets that have never been used. (In fact, I should flush that one every once in a while. I can only imagine what's growing in there.) In the master bath, the toilet even has its own little room with a door and a noisy fan and everything. Any person who needs to go in there can do it in absolute privacy.

That never happens. When I first wake up, the dogs trail me wherever I go, and if I don't sprint to the "Throne Room" and slam the door, I'll end up shutting one or both of them in there with me, allowing them to sit and stare at me while I pee. That is unnerving, in case you've never had it happen. Tony, if he has to use the facilities while I shower, will leave the door open on purpose, so he can shout questions at me about whatever it is he's reading. Ever taken a shower while being interrogated by a man on the toilet about broadband speeds in Sweden versus those in Rhode Island? Didn't think so.

(As an aside, when we were in Vegas he literally made me climb over him while he read a newspaper so I could get in the shower. This is when the broadband interrogation occurred. If I hadn't already been drunk, I would have guzzled the mouthwash just to take my mind away.)

Downstairs, if I happen to step into the powder room - it is immediately adjacent to the office where we both work - Tony will do one of two things: Get on a phone call that needs my participation, requiring me to shout from the bathroom to him or give up on ever fully emptying my bladder so I can go back in the other room. I think Thai sweatshop workers even get a five-minute courtesy break. I get NOTHING!

If I go in the bathroom while he's outside, this will prompt him to come in immediately (I want to know where the friggin' sensors are that set off his Lacy's-trying-to-have-some-privacy alarm) and ask me what I'm doing. And let the dogs in so they can see what I'm doing just so he has some visual reconnaissance.

I have a plan, though. Every time I head to the bathroom, I'm going to start casually toward another room of the house, just to decoy him. When he's taken the bait, I'll sprint full-speed to the bathroom, lock the door and turn on the fan so I can't hear him. Not only will I get some privacy, I'll get a little workout at the same time! I better start stretching now. I just had a big glass of water.