Austerity Project, Day 1

Here we are - February 1st. The beginning of our month of nothing.

And it is already hard. Two things happened in the last 24 hours to make this a more difficult project than it already was.

First, we received a letter from our homeowners association (also known as the Axis of Evil.) They've been jacking us around about our satellite dish for months. Seems the dish, which sits on the same wall as our air conditioner, electric and gas meters and all our vents, is an eyesore. Never mind that this is the place the home builder wired for the stupid thing. Never mind that we are the very last house in the entire development and you can't see the dish unless you are sitting directly in front of our home. ON A DEAD-END STREET.

In order to appease the HOA, we spent more than $900 (that we didn't have) on trees this summer to mask the offending dish. Unfortunately, the trees are not full-grown yet, so there is a sliver of space between our house and the first tree, and if you pull your car into that exact sight line, you can still see the dish. Therefore, we had to have my brother fabricate a trellis (cost: $100 for materials) to cover the rest of the view. The problem is, the ground has been frozen solid ever since we finished the trellis. Nevertheless, the HOA expects us to magically get this thing installed.

Long story short, we have to spend at least $50 this month to rent an auger to install the stupid trellis, buy concrete that will set in below-freezing temperatures and get it all done before the end of the month or "RISK LEGAL ACTION." So we are looking at about $75 in extra costs that we have to pull from the grocery/meds budget. And my level of rage at the HOA is building all the time. It hardly seems worth it to put up with these petty tyrants just to get city water and sewer.

Second, Mom started peppering me with questions about what Tony and I are going to do for our anniversary. February 9th is our three-year wedding anniversary, and neither of us have ever managed to stay married this long, so it's kind of a big deal. Not to mention that it will be our last anniversary as just a two-some, before the baby arrives. I had hoped we could do something nice - go out to dinner, maybe spend a night away from the crowd somewhere. But, we will be doing nothing. I will admit to getting a little teary-eyed telling Mom that, but I realize that the more important thing is that Tony and I enter our fourth year of marriage solvent rather than having a tasty meal or overnight getaway.

So, I told her that we would be writing each other love letters. To which Tony responded that he's not writing any stupid letter.

Good to know that the romance survives, no matter what.

Austerity Project, Day 0

Tomorrow's the big day! Not that today is any different. I'm really trying to not be one of those people who, right before starting a big diet, have a binge day. So, no online shopping, no eating out, no going to three movies tonight just because starting tomorrow I can't. That would be irresponsible, and until we get the rent check from our condo, impossible.

I promised that today I would write about our policy of accepting gifts and treats this month. Because we live in a communal house, every once in a while, someone gets a bug and decides to "treat" everyone to dinner or a movie or something. This is a lovely, generous impulse and we've all done it at one point or another in the time that we've been living together. The only problem is that none of us really have the money to do that. Everyone is either retired and on a fixed income or unemployed and on a fixed income or Tony and me, who have had no income to speak of for years. No Diamond Jim Bradys here.

The policy I've decided on for the month, then, is that we aren't allowed to accept "treats" from anyone else. In order to encourage greater fiscal responsibility in the entire house, if we can't afford to do it on our own, we don't do it. If everyone else wants to eat Chinese or go out for a movie, Tony and I will graciously decline and stay home. If we can't afford it, we don't do it.

I believe very strongly in paying one's own way in the world. I know Tony feels the same way. I've tried very hard my entire adult life not to take any handouts or help from people. I feel terribly guilty when it does happen, especially if that person didn't really have the extra money to give. I understand that generosity is a good impulse we shouldn't deny, and I am often generous to a fault myself, but I just think that, at 30, I should be completely independent. Hell, I felt that way at 20. I will admit, I lived with my mom for three months after my first divorce in order to save some money to get my own place, but I hated feeling as though I was going in reverse. Even though the place I ended up living was pretty awful (the Papa John's guy got mugged on my doorstep, and I did have to crawl on the floor one time when I heard gunshots nearby), it was still mine. And my first mother-in-law was incredibly generous with me, but I always felt as though I could never really "own" the things I was given because I didn't earn them or pay for them myself.

So the point of this month is not to embrace austerity for ourselves and take advantage of everyone around us. Tony and I have to make tough decisions. We can't have our cake and eat it, too. We can't just bat our eyes at the dinner table and flash an empty wallet, hoping someone else takes pity and picks up the check. We need to admit where we are, embrace it and get through it. In the end, I hope it will build some character for us.

Austerity Project, day -1

Okay, so today's day -1 because we are still technically in January and the project doesn't start until February 1. I promised yesterday that I would tell you how I would track myself and my temptations and as soon as I finished the blog yesterday, the temptations started. So we'll start there.

I'm pregnant. Occasionally, that means I have food cravings (Actually very occasionally. The biggest craving I seem to have most days is to never have to think about or eat food again. Crippling heartburn will do that to you.) But yesterday, for lunch, I really really wanted Wendy's chicken nuggets. But, it wasn't worth it to me to use the gas to go to Wendy's, spend the $2 on nuggets and then whatever else I would want, and what Tony wanted, too. So I had an apple, a piece of cheese and some crackers. And that was pretty tasty, I gotta say. If I weren't doing this project, though, Tony and I would have probably blown $10 at Wendy's and never batted an eye.

So that's how it works. I'll keep track of the things I would normally mindlessly spend my money on and then feel better about not doing it. Or something like that. I think the hardest part will be that we still "need" some things for the baby (diaper cream, baby monitors, etc.) but I'm committed to wait until March to get any of it. Let's all just keep our thoughts focused on baby girl NOT coming to the world three weeks early, 'cause that would TOTALLY screw up my plan. Plus, I want it to be warmer when she gets here. I wouldn't want to go from a nice warm belly into February in Northern Kentucky, that's for sure. Heck, I don't want to go from a nice warm HOUSE into February and I'm actually equipped to regulate my body temperature.

When we do spend money, whether for groceries or gas or drugs (prescription medications, people), I'll write about it here, tell exactly how much it cost and then subtract it from my total allowance for the month. If we get any windfalls (like we win the lottery or someone starts anonymously mailing us $20 bills) I'll detail that and add it to the allowance. Any emergencies, you'll know about them, too. But just know that I have Sarge on a strict diet and exercise regimen to prevent any further vet visits. He'll be healthy if it's the last thing I do.

Tomorrow, a few more rules about accepting gifts and treats and we'll be ready to go.

The Austerity Project

Well, long time no see! Things have been...busy...around the Coutsoftides house. We have been working hard, we've been pregnant (still are, in fact), we've been stressed, we've been happy. Usually all in the same 10 minute period.

But now, it's time to get serious. Baby girl is due in seven weeks. Our checking account is dwindling more quickly than I ever thought possible. (Backstory: Tony and I have been living on our savings account, plus a little from the business, for nearly two years now. NOT EASY. The business is doing well, but the electric company probably isn't going to start accepting loose change to pay the bill any time soon, so we have to be very careful the next few months.)

Every month, it seems, the budget flies out the window. Tony needs a root canal. Our medical insurance doesn't cover maternity care, so we have to pre-pay for the birth and everything that goes along with it. (Not that I'm complaining - we are getting a heck of a deal, but $400 a month is still pretty steep.) Sarge got sick and racked up $1000 in vet bills. We've been taking some hits, in other words.

So we find ourselves at the tipping point. We know that the business will only continue to grow, but we can't pay ourselves enough yet to cover all our monthly expenses. The savings account is nearly non-existent. So what are we to do?

The answer, it seems, is nothing. For an entire month. At least.

I'm going public with this (which any of you who know me will understand is very difficult because I'm usually loathe to admit that I'm struggling with anything, especially my finances, which I view as incredibly private. But at a certain point "We're doing just great!" starts to make you feel like a fraud.) to keep us honest. I want to chronicle the next 28 days, tracking all our expenses and temptations to make sure that we don't give up and spend ourselves into bankruptcy.

Here's the plan:

1. Tony and I have already paid our bills for February - mortgages, car payments, etc. We know exactly how much is left in the account. It's enough to cover mid-month bills and roll over a bit for March. I'm not particularly inclined to reveal what that is, just because the number gives me the shakes. It's that low.

2. Our budget for groceries is always $400. In the hostel we operate here, we split the grocery bill five ways, but Tony and I front the money and then are reimbursed weekly. We just have to make sure our 2/5 share doesn't exceed $400. Shouldn't be too hard, even though we eat every single meal at home - breakfast, lunch and dinner 365 days a year. No free office lunches here.

3. We have a few prescriptions and over-the-counter medications we take on a regular basis, plus it is cold and flu season, so I'm allotting $150 for medications and potential doctor's visits. I feel that's generous. (Note to Tony: STAY HEALTHY. Note to self: STAY EVEN HEALTHIER!)

4. Tony and I have $49 in cash and two $25 gift certificates for restaurants. That's our fun money for the entire month. We are not allowed to spend anything beyond that. AT ALL. Basically, no dining out, no shopping, no movies, no nothing.

5. Because we don't drive very much, I'm allowing one fillup of the car. That averages $45 with our Kroger fuel points.

In summary, we have $550 for groceries, $45 for gas and a little fun money. And 28 days to NOT spend it. Anything we don't spend gets rolled over for March, because I have a feeling this is going to be a half-year of austerity.

Tomorrow, I'll let you know how I am tracking us and our temptations. Oh, and if anyone would like to play along at home - perhaps we're not the only ones facing a time of sweating it out - let me know. I'd love the company.

Slumber Party

The new push around the communal home is for less swearing. (For those of you keeping track at home, we now have six adults living here, albeit some only temporarily - Mom, Jack, Me, Tony, Levi and Christine, Tony's mom. It's Jersey Shore with a lot less gym and tanning. But more laundry.)

Anyhow, upset with the amount and quality of profanity in the house, Mom issued an edict that we should all try to be a little more...intellectual in our discourse with each other. Keep in mind that my soft-spoken and mostly well-behaved mother used to have a mouth like a trucker, which you can still bring out in her IF she's properly enraged. However, she never swore that much in public and never casually. Just when she was angry. You won't like her when she's angry.

Somewhere along the line, though, things got a little off-course. Instead of sounding more intellectual, we merely sound weird. Perhaps we'll adjust. Perhaps we're just resisting the change. Perhaps it was Mom's choice of substitute for every swear word.

She chose "slumber party."

So now, JUST now, I had to refer to something as a "pain in my slumber party." Tony, five minutes ago, referred to someone he met while showing his mom the sights as a "slumberpartying idiot." Levi kicked open the door to the library last night, shouting "what the slumber party is going on in here?" (Which, as an aside, is not actually necessary, because the library has glass doors. He could see Mom and Jack watching TV. He's just a slumber party.)

To be honest, I'm not sure how long this experiment will last. The novelty will surely wear off soon and it has to be odd to hear a group of adults continually referring to a "slumber party." Outsiders probably think we're some weird pajama cult that sleeps in the high school gym in our Barbie sleeping bags.

Until then, I'm going to keep my slumber partying mouth shut and take this like a man.

Three guys. And two gals

Last night, every adult in my house went out for dinner together. For those of you playing along at home, that would mean that all five of us piled into the big car (which finally has legal Kentucky plates, after several months of trips to the BMV and many faxes) and drove off into the sunset.

What makes this so fun is that it isn't easy to put five full-grown humans in a four-door car, no matter how you slice it. So Levi and Tony get to ride in comfort in the front seat, while Mom, Jack and I squeeze into the back. (Unless Jack is driving and then Levi STILL gets to ride in comfort and Mom, Tony and I squeeze into the back. Seems like Levi's living on easy street here, doesn't it?) Anyhow, Jack likes to make Mom miserable, so he spends the entire ride squishing her into me, until she blows her top. Or he'll squeeze her knee, which inevitably makes her pee her pants. In my car. You know, stuff adults in cars do all the time.

By the time we'd made it to Five Guys, everyone was ready to get out of the car and have a few square feet to themselves. This is how the evening went down:

- Mom and Levi got into a (physical) slap fight trying to get in the door of Five Guys because they both tried to go through together. Not the best first impression on the folks in the restaurant.

- Jack left his change at the register.

- Jack and Mom got into a (verbal) slap fight because Jack, as usual, didn't bring his cell phone with him to dinner and Mom wanted to go to the Verizon store and get a replacement phone for him. (His is dying a slow death.)

- Jack, peeved about the slap fight, swept all of his empty peanut shells into Mom's lap when he went up to get the food from the counter.

- Mom, peeved about the peanut shells, scraped them out of her lap and put them all over Jack's chair.

- He saw them, but sat on them anyhow, earning the new nickname "Peanut Butter."

- I, of course, had to take five phone calls during dinner, prompting Tony to give me the same lecture I used to give him about phone calls and emails while we were out. Note to self: just keep mouth shut in the future.

- After dinner, Jack went to the bar to drink away the pain of the peanut shells in his tush while the rest of us did some window shopping.

- I bought a giant artificial flower arrangement for my entryway. Levi and Tony took it back to the car together and it was only when they returned that we realized they must have looked like quite the happy couple, taking their flower arrangement to the car in their complementary polo shirts and matching shorts.

- Mom, when throwing away her milkshake remains, managed to toss it in the trash can in such a way that she got chocolate ice cream sprayed all over the front of her shirt and in her hair.

- On the ride home, Levi had to hold the flower arrangement in his lap, finally experiencing the type of car ride I usually endure, with Mom peeing on my leg and being squished into me the entire time.

In other words, a typical family night out.

The Big 3-0

Well, folks, as much as I've tried to avoid it, my 30th birthday is right around the corner. In less than six weeks, I'll hit the proverbial wall and have to admit that I've accomplished less than half of what I thought I would by this point in my life. (Unless you count marriages, because I've tripled my expectations there. Small victories, people.)

And honestly, I'm not that upset about it. At this point, it just seems like another day. Most days, I'm so tired and burned out from being a Captain of Industry that I feel 500 years old, so 30 seems like a real bonus. And anyone who knows me understands that I'm not the most introspective type, so I'll probably spend five minutes obsessing about my life's accomplishments and then start reading a fashion magazine. Which will start me obsessing about my fashion sense.

The biggest problem is that I don't know what I want to DO for my birthday. I've been in friend hibernation so long that I would have about three people to invite to a party, and throwing a party for yourself has always seemed a bit...narcissitic. I have a business to run, so I can't take a trip, which is what I thought I'd do. Turns out a spa vacation is a lot less relaxing when you have to take your phone and laptop. Makes the massage really complicated. We're still hauling ourselves out of the giant we're-not-working-but-the-bills-are-piling-up hole we dug over the last 16 months, so extravagent gifts are out of the question. (I bought all of Tony's gifts at the Walgreens this year. He got a ring toss game and a coffee mug. Sixteen dollars total. I know, it was too much.)

As far as food is concerned, I'm the resident birthday dessert maker. Every birthday, I'll bake something for the birthday person, be it chocolate cake, chocolate cupcakes, chocolate pie, whatever they want as long as it's chocolate. I'm generous that way. I don't expect Tony to whip up something fabulous and my poor mother spends half of every day cooking for the ever-growing pack of hungry adults who live in my house. (I live in a reality TV show now, in case you didn't know.) I don't feel right asking her to add to her duties with a cake.

So, I've decided. I'm going to sleep late, eat a Five Guys Burger with all the fixins, see a terrible summer blockbuster movie and buy myself something pretty (that costs less than $20.) And then have a giant sundae from somewhere that serves ice cream. The perfect recession birthday.

Or maybe I'll just drink all day.