Actually, We don't have children

I just spent the last three days with my mother, power-shopping like we always do. The difference this time is that we were power-shopping for a house, not our feet. Okay, so I MAY have purchased three new pairs of shoes in the process, but they were totally necessary and I found them on sale and I have a problem. I have way too many shoes and I keep buying more. And I know that makes me a tired cliche of womanhood and I hate the fact that I support all those snide, eye-rolling men who talk about their wives' shoe collections like they don't spend just as much on golf clubs they use twice a year, but I just freaking love shoes and I'm done feeling bad about it. (Did I mention one pair only cost $8.98? Super steal!)

Anyhow, as Mom and I were charging from store to store (and I mean that physically and in a monetary sense), I ran into something that I hadn't yet in my time as a House Wife. I guess it is because I've been hanging out with people who know me and know that I don't work outside the home, but no one in the past five weeks has really asked me what I do for a living. However, that question is such a huge part of our casual conversation in this country that it was bound to happen. Anyone I was with more than two minutes - from furniture salespeople to the lady giving me a pedicure at the spa - asked me, "So what do you do?" or "Where do you work?" or, my personal favorite because it was the middle of the week and what would a woman of working age like me be doing running around shopping, "Are you a teacher on spring break?" 

My mom seemed much more uncomfortable with this than I was. I would just reply, "Nothing." or "I stay at home" or "Oh my God no, I'm not a teacher, don't curse me with that fate!" You know, casual answers. Better than "Nunya," which is how I respond to my husband when he asks what I've been doing all day. (For those of you not familiar with my personal vocabulary, "nunya" is short for "none of your damn business.")

After that, the explanations and questions would start. When I say "I stay at home," people would immediately assume that I have children and begin to ask about that. How old are they, how can you stand being around children all day, etc. I would then have to clarify that Tony and I don't actually have children, but we are trying and hopefully we'll have some soon. This causes confusion because people think that I'm staying home to practice being a stay-at-home-mom, which is probably unnecessary, even if I do try to push my dog around in a stroller, feed him from a bottle and change his diapers. He hates that. 

But that's when Mom would jump in. She'd hurriedly add that I'd only been staying home a month and that I'd worked full-time before that. Most people probably thought I'd lost my job - I know I would assume that in this economy. I, on the other hand, don't feel as though I need to clarify. I stay home. I don't work outside the home. I am not employed. Period. If anyone wonders anything beyond that, they can ask for details. I might answer. Or not. That's my prerogative.  

And I truly understand the confusion. Six months ago, I wouldn't have understood either. I would have asked the same questions everyone else does. What could you possibly do all day? Don't you get bored? Don't you get lonely?

So, on the four-hour drive home, when you have nothing to do but drool on yourself because the roads are so boring and endless, I thought about it. Here's what I found:

I have LOTS to do all day. In fact, most days I don't get my to-do list done. Now, I'm not flying around the house like the Tasmanian devil, but I do keep busy. Anyone who has a house knows that there is always laundry, cleaning and house stuff to do. And then there are the financial things I handle, which are busier than usual right now because it is tax season and we are finishing buying the house, but I pay the bills every week and balance the checkbook almost every morning no matter what time of year it is. Right now, I'm also starting to pack for our move in five weeks and make a million phone calls a day about moving issues. (This move feels like the invasion of Normandy sometimes. Just the other day I reserved an amphibious transport vehicle for the National Guard members I hired to help me stage a hostile takeover of the lot next to my new house. What can I say? I need more yard. ) I cook dinner every day, so in the afternoon I usually start some sort of food prep - chopping and whatnot. I go to lunch with a girlfriend a couple times a week. I work out. 

The difference between now and when I was working is that all of these things actually get done and they get done well. Before, I would pry myself out of bed at five to balance the checkbook, pay bills, throw food in the slow cooker, etc. I would kill myself on Sundays trying to get the tidying up finished and the laundry done so my assistant could fold it for me. And it never got put away. All my husbands shirts went to the dry cleaner at $2 a pop, because I didn't have time to iron. Etc. Etc. And forget having any fun or leisurely lunches. I was always working at lunch. When I quit my business, one of my girlfriends actually said, "I get my friend back!" Tell me that didn't make me want to cry. 

Do I get bored? Sometimes. Housework can be monotonous, but I try to break it up with larger projects or writing. And it is no more boring than when I was working in a cubicle all day, trapped on someone else's schedule, doing paperwork or filing or surfing the 'net. And with my business, I got bored with doing presentations and going around trying to drum up new business. I got REALLY tired of being in the car eight to 10 hours a day, that's for sure. I didn't get secretary spread, I got beauty consultant spread. Ick. My tushie is going to take months to recover. 

And as far as being lonely, at least for now, I have more people wanting to see me than I have time to see people. I always have lunch dates and people who need my help with things, from buying a car to getting ready for a yard sale. I just loan myself out for these things in order to stave off any loneliness or isolation. I've really only had one lonely day and that was because I was home sick for a week and hadn't really seen anyone or gotten out of the house. Other than that, I've been very social, much more so than when I was working. Then, I didn't have time to be social. One weekend last month, my husband and I had date night AND we saw two different groups of friends, one for dinner and another for bowling. That was more socializing than we'd done in practically a year, all in two days. And if I were more on the ball and better at getting things together, we could probably go out a few nights a week with people for double dates and group things. We have more friends than we realized we had. 

I think what most women think when they hear that I am a House Wife is that I must be missing a big piece of my identity. That is certainly what I always thought when I was working and I'd talk to someone who stayed at home. My whole identity my adult life was tied to what I did and how important my job title sounded. I concentrated so much on my career that I often didn't have hobbies or a great social life or outside interests. That's just how I've always been - laser-focused on the next big goal, the next big accomplishment. Do it, move on. Do it, move on. I was a reporter, then I owned a business, then I was in PR, then business management, then non-profit work, then owning a business again. I was very successful at all of those, but I wasn't much else. I have to think I couldn't have been very interesting. 

Now that I have time to think about who I am and what I want, it is amazing how many things I've always wanted to do that I never  have. For instance, I've always wanted to write, but I've never given myself the time to think about it enough to write anything worthwhile. When I was reporting professionally, I had to write about what I was assigned and articles about township trustee meetings are hardly a creative outlet. I love to cook and try out new recipes, but when you work all day and night, there is never a minute to shop for ingredients, let alone cook them. And so on. My identity is becoming more who I am and less and less about what I do. 

And I think more about other people in those terms now. It is less about what they do and more about who they are. Most people who aren't working in their dream job would probably appreciate this. Even if you ARE working your dream job, you are more than just what you do in the office. So, I think asking "What do you do?" only scratches the surface of a person. I'm trying to decide what question I'll ask people instead. "What is your favorite color?" "How do you like your steak done?" "How do you spend your weekends?" So many options......

If they say these questions are too personal, I'll just tell them I'm looking for ideas. After all, I'm just a bored, lonely housewife.