"No."
This wasn't because I was being mean or because I hate jokes. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to laugh and hear jokes, tell funny stories, etc. It's because Tony actually CAN'T tell a joke. He tries, God bless him, but he can't. I think it is because his brain is always focused on 23 things at the same time. The minute he opens his mouth to start the joke, he's well past the punch line and bathing in my raucous laughter and wild applause in his head.
Therefore, most of his joke-telling goes something like this:
"So this guy walks into a bar and says....umm. Wait, I'll remember it."
It doesn't help, either, that I've heard most of his jokes before (not from him, but from others - his joke sources, whoever they are, are kind of tired). I can finish the punch line for him, but I hate to crush his spirit. He tries so hard.
Tony is much funnier when he's not trying to be. For instance, in a moment that will forever go down in our family holiday lore, one Thanksgiving we were playing Scene It, that DVD trivia game. Mom, her boyfriend Jack, my brother Levi, Tony and I were grouped around the TV, perspiring furiously. See, in my family, we are all in competition to see who is smarter and more trivia-savvy. Trivial Pursuit is a full-contact sport for us. Scene It is a little different, because it is all about movies, but we still try to be the smartest person in the room, no matter what. Jack, being a sports fanatic, is also fairly competitive and has watched a good many movies in his life, giving him a serious advantage of experience and memory. (Mom has stress-induced amnesia - the minute she needs to remember something, she forgets it.)
Tony, on the other hand, knows nothing about pop culture and isn't afraid to admit that. I don't know if it is because he grew up in a series of second-world countries (I'll be sure to tell you when the divorce papers arrive for that one, but the truth is the truth - Cyprus, Singapore and Saudi Arabia aren't exactly bastions of pop trivia knowledge) without access to western culture, or because he's crammed his brain so full of poorly-told jokes, but he really doesn't know. And don't try to tell me he's been busy educating himself about more important things. Right now, he's blowing up aliens on his X-box. If I want someone to think I'm witty with all my pop-culture references, I'm better off talking to the dogs. And forget any detailed conversations about celebrity scandal. Any conversation about Jennifer Aniston has to start with "you know, that girl who was in 'Friends' and was married to Brad Pitt - the guy who is now married to Angelina Jolie and has six kids? No, not the one with black hair, the other one." It is exhausting.
So, here we are, screaming at the TV, giving our best, while Tony sits back and offers up absolutely ludicrous answers. At one point, a word clue came up, one of those where the words on the screen have the same meaning as a famous movie title and you have to figure it out. This clue was "Removed by a Breeze" or something similar. The answer was "Gone with the Wind." IT WAS NOT A CHALLENGING QUESTION.
Tony's answer was "Skydiver 4."
What the train of thought leading to this answer was, I'll never know. Notwithstanding the fact that there is NO SUCH MOVIE as "Skydiver 4," why would my dear husband skip the first three movies in this obviously hugely popular imaginary franchise and land at the fourth installment as the obvious answer? I still can't figure that out.
But we laughed for about an hour, and still laugh about it. And to this day, whenever I don't know an answer in Scene It or life, I guess "Skydiver 4."
The only thing worse than watching Tony struggle through a joke is hanging out with him after we see a stand-up comedian. Tony and I both really enjoy stand-up. I secretly fantasize about a career in stand-up some day (I know, it will never happen, but a girl can dream) and Tony just likes to laugh. But when we are done watching, it starts. He thinks that everything that comes of out his mouth is just as funny as what we just watched. And it's painful. I'll ask him a simple question, like, "Hey babe, what do you want for dinner?" and he'll respond "DEEZ NUTS!" and laugh hysterically. It would be endearing if it weren't so damn irritating.
Three hours later, we'll be headed for bed and he'll still be at it. "Do you have clean pants for work tomorrow" "DEEZ NUTS" "What time do you need to get up in the morning?" "DEEZ NUTS" and so on. It is enough to make me take a vow of silence.
Now Tony gets a little touchy when these blogs are about him, so when he asks, let's all just pinky swear we'll answer "DEEZ NUTS!" Thanks.
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